Sometimes, I wish I were a traffic cop

Driving my boys Tater and Bud to school this morning, we were in traffic behind a minivan.

Not an uncommon occurrence, right?

Well, dangling from beneath the license plate of this minivan was a set of plastic testicles. Decorum prohibits me posting a picture of the offensive item here. "Realistic [caucasian] flesh color w/veins, wrinkles & one hangs just a little lower," as advertised on the manufacturer's website.

Realistic testicles. On... A... MINIVAN... taking children to school. I wish I had a picture of the person's LICENSE PLATE to post here.

We all noticed them, but Tater, my youngest, was the first to speak up.

Tater: "Mom, what's THAT?!"

Me: "Don't worry about it, Tater. It's ugly."

Tater: "Mom, that looks like... oh, DEAR!" (That's Tater's current phrase: "Oh, DEAR")

Bud: "Hey, that looks like those things under a guy's penis! What do you call them?" (My boys are 10 and 11 and we're entering the phase where I do my best to explain the body matter-of-factly, without embarrassment. Birds and bees stuff, you know.)

Mom: "Testicles. Yes, I know. Don't worry about it."

Bud: "Mom, why would somebody have something like that on their car?"

Me: "They're trying to be funny, but it's really being vulgar."

Tater: "That's not very nice, is it, Mom?"

Me: "No, it isn't. People shouldn't be showing things like that."

It's mess like this that makes me wonder what has happened to common decency. No wonder violent, horrific crimes abound. People don't have any respect any more. No respect for others and no respect for themselves.

I wish, at that moment, that I'd been a traffic cop.

I would have cited that driver under T.C.A. 55-8-187:

55-8-187. Obscene or patently offensive bumper stickers, window signs, etc., prohibited. —

To avoid distracting other drivers and thereby reduce the likelihood of accidents arising from lack of attention or concentration, the display of obscene and patently offensive movies, bumper stickers, window signs or other markings on or in a motor vehicle that are visible to other drivers is prohibited and display of such materials shall subject the owner of the vehicle on which they are displayed, upon conviction, to a fine of not less than two dollars ($2.00) nor more than fifty dollars ($50.00).

“Obscene” or “patently offensive” has the meaning specified in T.C.A. § 39-17-901:
(10) “Obscene” means:

(A) The average person applying contemporary community standards would find that the work, taken as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest;

(B) The average person applying contemporary community standards would find that the work depicts or describes, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct; and

(C) The work, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value;

(11) “Patently offensive” means that which goes substantially beyond customary limits of candor in describing or representing such matters;

I hardly think testicles dangling from a vehicle could be classified as serious artistic expression.

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